Kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

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TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
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TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
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TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE : I is…
TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

What is love…

A student asks a teacher, “What is love?”
The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick.”
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, “…this is love… you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

Boys are boys :Good One

> Ek Bus main Ladke aur Ladkiyon ki team bani , Antakshari khelane ke

> liye

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> Girls : Hum tumko hara ke dikhayenge

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> Any Guesses for BOYS response

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> socho socho………………

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> Are bhai boys are boys……………..       >

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> Boys: Hum Har gaye , Chalo aab dikhao… !

Jappier’s Spoken English

In Tamilnadu, there is a well known person by name, Mr. Jeppier ,
Chairman of Sathyabama deemed university and some more self financing
colleges, always speaks in English. Thatcollege s tudents have
collected & published a book by name “Jappier’s Spoken English”
…. Njoy ………..with his…………..English…………..

Now, here are some classic English sentences from the great
“Jappier’s Spoken English”

# At the ground:
—————–
All of you stand in a straight circle.  (Straigh circle)
There is no wind in the balloon.     (ballon without air…fushhh)
The girl with the mirror please comes her…{Means: girl with specs
please come here).

# To a boy, angrily:
———————
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
———————–
You, rotate the ground four times…
You, go and understand the tree…
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late – say YES or NO …..(?)
# Sir at his best:
—————
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to
see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school… (to that boy) – “Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre”

# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
———————————————-
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves – I will take the bigger half.
Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> “Both of u three get out of the class.”
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today…
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver…..
Take 5 cm wire of any length….

Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences …

Once Sir had come late to a college function, by the time he reached,
the function had begun, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry I am
late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

At Sathyabama college day 2002:

“This college strict u the worry no …. U get good marks, I the
happy, tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry I the
enjoy”

At St. Josephs college of engineering fresh years day 2003:

“No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police “

Amazing Answers!!!!!!!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of
her students

The teacher asked,”Boy. what is your problem?”

Boy. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade! .My sister is in
the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!”

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal’s office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Princi! pal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy.: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy.: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment “Legs.”

M! s Nee lam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy.: “Pockets.”

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s ey! es open

really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot
of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!”

Examinations special

Ø Special offer……..Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal’s office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.
Hurry offer valid until exams only….

Ø It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.
Say NO to EXAMS

Ø Student’s declaration at the end of answer paper. Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!
“I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2d best of mine & my friend’s knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental.”

Golden Rules for Career Success

1. Business is made up of ambiguous victories and nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories.

2. Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask You.

3. Be comfortable around Senior managers, or learn to fake it.

4. Never bring your boss a problem without some solution.

5. You are getting paid to think, not to whine.

6. Long hours don’t mean anything; results count, and not the efforts.

7. Write down ideas; or else they will get lost, like good pens.

8. Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss.

9. Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come.

10. Don’t take days off sick-unless you are.

11. Assume no one will / can keep a secret.

12. Know when you do your best: – morning, night, under  pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly.

13. Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the Cleaner or the Managing director. Don’t ever  be patronizing.

14. Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your  boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself – In the course of human  events, how important is this?

15. If you get the entrepreneurial urge, visit someone who has his own  business. It will certainly cure you.

16. Acknowledging someone else’s contribution will always repay you  doubly.

17. Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities  tend to be unplanned.

18. Always choose to do what you’ll remember ten years from now.

19. The size of your office is not as important as the size of your pay cheque.

20. Understand what finished work looks like and deliver your work  only when it is finished.

21.. The person who spends all of his or her time is not hard-working;  he or she is boring.

22. Know how to write business letter including “Thank You” notes as  well as Proposals.

23. Never confuse a Memo with reality. Most memos from the top are  political fantasy.

24. Eliminate guilt. Don’t fiddle with expenses, taxes or benefits, and  don’t cheat your colleagues.

25. Reorganizations mean that someone will lose his or her job. Get on  the committee that will make the recommendations.

26. Job security does not exist anywhere.

27. Always have an answer to the question “What would I do if I lost  my job tomorrow?”

28. Go to the company Christmas/Rain Dance party.

29. Don’t get drunk at the company Christmas/Rain Dance party.

30. Avoid working at weekends. Work longer during the week if you have  to.

31. The most successful people in business are interesting.

32. Sometimes you’ll be on a winning streak and everything will click; take maximum advantage. When the opposite is true, hold steady and wait  for it to be out.

33. Never in your life say, “It’s not my job.”

34. Be loyal to your career, your interests and yourself.

35. Understand the skills and abilities that set you apart. Use them  whenever you have an opportunity.

36.People remember the end of the project. As they say in boxing,  “Always finish stronger than you start.”

 Life – Love it or Change it…

Great example

The student asks a teacher: What is love?
The teacher said: in order to answer your question, go to the paddy  field and choose the biggest paddy and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn
back to pick.

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later. Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person The student asked: What is marriage then? The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick. The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he fee satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get …. this is marriage.

“Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled…..”

The 4-year holiday called “engineering

20 things common to all engg colleges:

1). The lecturers dont teach.The students dont study.The only guy who benefits is the one who owns the ‘dhaba’ next to the college.

2).Rules are made to be broken.

3).Promises are made to be broken.

4).Deadlines are made to be extended…ALWAYS!

5).Guys always think the chics in the college next lane are more beautiful.

5).The geeks are the most pampered lot during the internal exams.

6).The lab assistants are the most respected people(during the lab exams i.e)

7).The watchmen are the people most bribed.

8).The HOD is the person most respected(heights of sycophancy here).

9).The principal is the person most abused and insulted(behind the back i.e)

10).Dropping subjects is ‘cool’.(arre yaar..drop the idea of dropping subjects plzz).

11).There is always a lecturer in the college who cant speak proper ‘english’.

12).Night-out is the second most important tool to ace the exams.

13).The most important tool..the bhramastra..is the ‘chit ‘ in which the words can be understood only by the person who wrote them(in most of the cases i.e)

14).The freshers are the most sought after..be it in the canteen,the ‘free’ periods or for completing the records,assignments.

15).The second-years are the ones with the ‘I am the don-of-the-college’ feeling.

16).The third years are the ones with the ‘so-many-backlogs’ feeling and the poor souls get down to studying after bossing around in the college for so long.but the fun still continues.(I gave 22 exams last year!!).

17).The fourth years have no connection with the college whatsoever…with no interest in ragging,pulling each other`s legs,the bday parties,the bday bums et al which they enjoyed so much till now.

18).All they want is a good placement and a ‘1st-class’ tag attached to their memo.

19).The first three years are spent in cursing the college,the people there,the system et al.

20).But towards the end of the fourth year,people tend to feel

nostalgic abt the pure unadulterated fun they have had for 4 years.Now the

very system they disliked,the very canteen they cursed,the time that they

spent there,the bday bums they suffered..all these seem like heaven to them.

Math geniuses… ;-)plz checkout