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Archive for the ‘Doublespeak’ Category

Double Speak, Non veg, nice double meaning jokes

Chaman Bhai..

Posted by @ B H i on April 14, 2007

Ek area mein Bhai rehta hai, Chaman Bhai..

Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai….

Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey hain…

Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat karta hai… kuch is tarah se…

Chaman : Kya re ? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai?

Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai.

Chaman : Phir kaisey himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein?

Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi.

Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuch sach sach bata kya aur kaisey hua?

Mujrim : Abhi kya na… Idhar naake pe apun paan khaney ke liye aaya…

Chaman : Phir ?

Murjim : Apun khade hokey paan kharela tha… aur utney mein samney wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi…

Chaman : Aage bol

Mujrim : Udhar teesrey maaley pe ek chikni khadi hui thi

Chaman : Phir kya hua ?

Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usney ishaara kiya aaney ke liye..

Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?

Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuch kaam hoyenga usko…. to apun builidng ke neeche gaya

Chaman : Phir ?

Mujrim : Usney Isharey se apun ko upar bulaaya… apun seedi chadte yehich sochrela tha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Chal fatafat aagey bol

Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaakey bola…. kya kaam hai.. kaiko ishara kiya apun ko?

Chaman : Phir ?

Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usney ghar ke andar kheech liya

Chaman : (Excited) Phir ?

Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Aagey bol

Mujrim : Usney apun ka haath pakad liya

Chaman : Accha… Phir?

Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadtey hi apun phir socha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Phir kya hua ?

Mujrim : Phir kya tha… Usney bola chikney meri pyaas bujha de

Chaman : Phir tu kya bola (Getting Excited) ?

Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne a! pna duppata neechey gira diya

Chaman : To phir kya hua ?

Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ki dahi ho gaya, kya mommey (boobs) they saali ke…lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?

Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega….. zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka…. Aakhir, “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Toh phir ?

Mujrim : Usney apun ko kheech liya…. sacchi bolta hai bhai aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha.

Chaman : Haan, woh to hai…. Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up)

Mujrim : Phir kya tha…. apun ne kiss kiya, mommey (boobs) bhi dabaya…. lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Aagey bol ?

Mujrim : Phir usney apni kameez utar di

Chaman : Phir ?

Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha tha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : Aagey aagey ?

Mujrim : phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di

Chaman : sahi mein?

Mujrim : phir meri pant keech li

Chaman : Accha ?

Mujrim : meri underwear mein haath dal diya

Chaman : oh !!

Mujrim : chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha “Chaman Bhai k! a area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman : (Getting frustrated)..

Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraaney lagi

Chaman : (Half Boiling)

Mujrim : phir mooh ghumaaney lagi….. phir bhi apun yehi soch raha tha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman: (About to blast) Aagey… aagey bol saley….

Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii…..lekin bhai kasam se……main yehi soch raha tha “Chaman Bhai ka area hai….. Lafda nahi karne ka”

Chaman: Abey teri to…. Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Chudaney….. tu aage bol !

Mujrim : Yehich…… yehich – apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai…..aur game baja dala.!!!

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Posted in Adult, Awesome, Doublespeak, Friends, Friends-Fun, Funny, Girls, Humor, Indian, Information, Jokes, NIce Trick | 18 Comments »

Amazing Answers!!!!!!!!

Posted by @ B H i on March 15, 2007

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of
her students

The teacher asked,”Boy. what is your problem?”

Boy. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade! .My sister is in
the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!”

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal’s office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Princi! pal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy.: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy.: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?” The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment “Legs.”

M! s Nee lam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy.: “Pockets.”

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And

sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could

stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s ey! es open

really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re

bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was

looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot
of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

“Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!”

Posted in Adult, Analysis, Awesome, Doublespeak, Friends, Friends-Fun, Funny, Humor, NIce Trick, School-College, Self Awareness, Students-Teachers | 57 Comments »

Jokes

Posted by @ B H i on February 1, 2007

Lady: doc. i got brown discharge at my vagina ….  is it infection?
doc: how often do u hve sex?
lady: once a month.
doc: yeh infection nahi, zang lag gaya  hai!!!

Principal said “If any boy go 2 da gurlz hostel rs. 100 fine for 1st
time, 200 rs. for 2nd time,500 for 3rd time..
Munna Bhai bola ” Monthly Pass ka kitna lagega mamu

How you define Table Tenis???????
Room ke aander, table ke upper,bulb ke niche de tka-tek, le tka-tek.

Posted in Adult, Awesome, Doublespeak | 11 Comments »

Advice. *Not bad*

Posted by @ B H i on January 22, 2007

o Behind every successful man there is a great woman and behind every great woman there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

o If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

o Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

o Avoid rape – say yes.

o A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

o The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

o Thou shalt not commit adultery…unless in the mood.

o The best thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to talk afterwards.

o Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

o Assassins do it from behind.

o Chess players mate better.

o Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

o Good girls spit, Bad girls swallow, Naughty girls gargle.

o Excuses are like asses everyone’s got em and the all stink.

o Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg do not find nuts.

o If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK.

o Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

o When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

o Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.

o Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

o My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex,she objects.

o Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

o If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong.

o Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.

o Good girls go to heaven…but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!.

o Sex is an emotion in motion.

o For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

o There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – don’t and stop, unless they are used together.

o Anatomy is something everybody’s got, but sure looks better on a woman.

o The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

o If he won’t wear a condom, staple his willy at the end. That’ll make him think. Sorta….

o I was so poor growing up … if I wasn’t a boy … I’d have had nothing to play with.

o Love without sex is like cooking without eating, but be careful because sex without condom is like driving a car without breaks!.

o I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

o The most enjoyable form of sex education is the braille method.

o Prostitution is a hole sale business.

o Lets all be considerate towards animal and let all the cocks meet the pussies of their choice.

Posted in Adult, Analysis, Awesome, Doublespeak, Funny, Jokes | 5 Comments »

Joke: Funny Business

Posted by @ B H i on October 20, 2006

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.

The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy’s Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, “What are you doing?”

Al says, “I’m waiting for Lucy’s legs to open so I can get a drink.”

Posted in Adult, Doublespeak | Leave a Comment »

Joke: Man wife in garden

Posted by @ B H i on October 20, 2006

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big…….I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the Barbecue grill.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right………your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?”

Posted in Adult, Awesome, Doublespeak | Leave a Comment »

Joke: Little Johnny

Posted by @ B H i on October 20, 2006

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5…

Posted in Adult, Awesome, Doublespeak | Leave a Comment »

Trip To The Doctor’s Office

Posted by @ B H i on July 5, 2006

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s
like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still
nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old
man replied,

“Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

HaHaHa – What were you thinking?

Posted in Doublespeak | 2 Comments »