sardar ji again
Posted by @ B H i on July 23, 2006
Santa On the Controls
Wahe Guru & Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen: This is your
Captain James’ Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We
apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather
and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight
no. 9211(Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not
guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your
Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us.
It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of
our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that
don’t quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite
experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur
will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth
pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help
you quickly find out whether God really exists.
We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be
flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible
from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed
for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems,
we have also put a pair of Pinoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways
flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the
early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life
jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are
made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles,
for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those
of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with
Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you
do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result
in shortage of water we require for your tea. I won’t be flying with
you today because I have to attend to my nephew’s wedding. But co-
pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs
flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or
two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to
come forward and occupy the captain’s seat in the cockpit for 5
minutes each, for an extraordinary view. Thank you once again for
choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.